SomeHowSomeWayEveryDay

Todays only accomplishment… well, not turning to food for comfort. I’ve been awake for 36 hours now. The anticipation of my child not sleeping well made me too anxious to sleep. I finally laid down and a text about a very stressful financial issue dinged through. Forgot that silent mode. There went the hope of sleep. Every fiber of my being wanted to use food for therapy. To just throw my hands up and forget about trying to get better. What’s the point, why bother, when things always creep up when I’m doing my best to try to get the worst out of me? I didn’t do it. But to the extreme. Like an alcoholic afraid to take cold medicine, I was afraid to eat at all. Afraid I wouldn’t stop if I started. So I just didn’t. I didn’t eat today, and I still don’t feel like trying to. Stress basically disables me. It’s a habit I picked up from my grandmother, where worry overtakes all other emotion or intuition. Something I need to work on. How do you all manage stress?

  Day 3, I decided to push myself even further. Not only did I go out, I didn’t use a chair or scooter. I was so hopeful. Yesterday, I felt like I was capable of anything I tried to do. I had a rough night… toddler refused to sleep, I was hungry and irritated, I slipped and ate during fasting because I was up all night and couldn’t take the hunger anymore. By the time I got to sleep, I felt completely defeated. Emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Had nightmares all night. I woke up in a horrible state of mind. Angry that I couldn’t eat. Angry that when it was time to eat, I wouldn’t be able to eat something I actually wanted. And then angry for caring about food that way, and I punished myself by just not eating at all, all day. My blood sugar bottomed out (I’m a diabetic), and it was awful. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I decided to take a 30 minute nap and try to reset my brain. I woke up again, and got dressed and just told myself, we are accomplishing something to...

Thanks to the encouragement and love I got from you all yesterday, I went out in public for the first time in 2 years today. Because of back issues (nerves and discs out of place), I have to use a chair or scooter for things more than a few minutes of walking. I’ve been so self conscious about using that assistance because I always worried what people were thinking seeing someone my size in them. But today, after I cried for hours from the support I felt here, I woke up and decided to live, and go have a life, it doesn’t matter what others think, I’m not going to keep avoiding life, I’m going to love myself and live life. I went to buy my own groceries today. And it felt awesome. ((This post was made to the E2M fitness group on Facebook in response to the overwhelming amount of encouragement I received after my initial post--the first post in this blog.))

I didn’t want to post this. But, I’m here to do this thing. To get my life back. To be a better mom. To be a better wife, daughter, granddaughter, friend. To be healthy. So here I am, lounge pants rolled up into a “bikini” and the only sports bra on the planet that will fit. I don’t even recognize myself as a human being in this picture, all this extra weight, stomach blue from insulin bruises and hardly have eyes. My heaviest weight was 418 on March 17th. I’ve lost about 20lbs since then. I’m ready to work. And work hard. And encourage and be encouraged. And learn food and self love from scratch because I’ve never understood either of these things.