The Impulse Emporium

 Day 3, I decided to push myself even further. Not only did I go out, I didn’t use a chair or scooter.

I was so hopeful. Yesterday, I felt like I was capable of anything I tried to do. I had a rough night… toddler refused to sleep, I was hungry and irritated, I slipped and ate during fasting because I was up all night and couldn’t take the hunger anymore. By the time I got to sleep, I felt completely defeated. Emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Had nightmares all night.

I woke up in a horrible state of mind. Angry that I couldn’t eat. Angry that when it was time to eat, I wouldn’t be able to eat something I actually wanted. And then angry for caring about food that way, and I punished myself by just not eating at all, all day. My blood sugar bottomed out (I’m a diabetic), and it was awful. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I decided to take a 30 minute nap and try to reset my brain.

I woke up again, and got dressed and just told myself, we are accomplishing something today, and every day from now on, so get it together and step over the hurdle. So I did. I told my husband let’s go to the store. I decided to go to my favorite store, the Impulse Shopper’s Emporium aka Dollar Tree.

It hurt. It hurt so badly. I felt like crying. My crooked back failed me, I had to squat in the floor, my arms seized from trying to hold myself up because my legs couldn’t. I kept pushing. I made it through half the store and had to call it quits. That anger came back. I went back to the car and angry and disappointed tears stung my eyes. I beat myself up because I didn’t make it. It took my husband shaking me to remind me I had just walked more than 50’ for the first time in almost 2 years and I can’t fix this in a day.

I’m still not feeling the joy and courage I felt yesterday but I’m not feeling as defeated as I did when I limped out of the store after what felt like a huge failure. Tomorrow is a new day.