SomeHowSomeWayEveryDay

Oops, I may have slept all night and then still had to nap today. It has been a long week and I guess the sleep finally caught up. Now I have to play catch up on water! Surprise! The polka dots are back. I love my beautiful striped suit, but I have missed my polka dots! After I tried that Minnie Mouse suit on week before last and realized it was too big already, I ordered this new one, so I’d be ready when it was time to size down again. Welp, today was that day! I had left my suit from Wednesday in my gym bag, completely forgot about it because of the doggy emergency, so it was stiiiiinky. I decided to go ahead and try the new one and it fits perfectly! Not even tight like the one I started in! I wore a 34/36 in June. As of today, I’m a 22! And if not for my boobs, I could probably wear a size down! I woke up laaaate today. It took so long to fall asleep last night because of my anxiety about my sweet dog being away from me for the first time since I’ve had her. It was about midnight ...

Long post alert. Like, long even in comparison to my posts. Two days' worth of things to report and recount! But let me start off by saying this is the, hands-down-and-behind-the-back-don’t-even-think-about-arguing-with-me-about-it, BEST community I have ever heard of or seen, and I am eternally blessed and grateful to be a member of it. I hope all positive forces in this universe bless every single one of you who make this place what it is. May all you give of your heart and self be returned 100-fold. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4 after an extremely emotional night with very little sleep, checked on my dog and loved on her for a bit before groggily heading out to the gym. I was out of it. I grabbed my coffee, and just sat in the car staring at the sky as I drank. It was a heavy hour. I spent a lot of time reflecting, remembering, pausing, and ultimately had to lean on my why to get through. I daydreamed. Daydreaming is my gift to myself when my spirit is weighed down. It’s not...

Today has been devastating. I don’t want to post. I want to puke, and cry, and scream. If I hadn’t already taken pictures, I wouldn’t even bother. But I went to the gym, I did my workout, I had an amazing conversation with someone there. I had a great day that came crashing down at 5:15. I will try my damnedest to pull it together tomorrow to tell the story of this morning but right now, I just can’t.   What I thought was a seizure was actually my dog blowing her back out. I received a $13000 estimate for her surgery. We rescued her from abuse, only to find ourselves probably having to say goodbye to her in a couple of days, at only 3 years old. She is being made comfortable while we attempt to find a rescue or sponsorship for her, but if we can’t, I will have to think of a way to tell my daughter that her best friend isn’t coming home. I wish I hadn’t paid off my loans, because if I had it, I would give her the surgery. My heart is absolutely shattered. Please pray for us and her....

Very personal, but I wanted to share. I had planned to post today after date night, but my younger dog had a seizure, and I was too frantic to put thoughts together. I figured since I was already feeling emotional, I would finally open the book my dad found where my mom had started writing a guided memoire for me and my brother. She never finished it. I’m sure she thought she had a lifetime to do so. This entry hit me so hard. My emotions did a 180. At first, I smiled because we had both had the same favorite season growing up, the Fall. It was always a great time for us, with lots of mountain trips and, of course the holidays including Halloween which she always got excited for and made the best costumes. Then I read the last sentence and was stricken with grief. “The less years I have…” She was 36 writing this and had no idea she only had 3 years left. Take care of your bodies. Get your wellness checkups. Go to the doctor when something feels wrong. For the sake of your children and ...

The dark sky and its twinkling stars, a quiet road and the taste of coffee. My morning was back to usual today! I went to sleep hopeful for my back to allow me the grace to go to the pool today. My plan was to ride with my Nan and let her drop me off at the door so I wouldn’t have to walk the lot. I woke up at 4 and felt pretty solid. No pain on waking. Great sign. I sat up without much effort. Ok, good, good. But the true test would be upon standing. I stood and paused, holding my breath and eye darting side to side. Ok, only the slightest annoyance. I began walking and the only real discomfort was my knee, which is just a sign I’ve been leaning on it more heavily because of poor gait, and nothing I can’t handle. After getting ready and still feeling good, I felt confident to go out on my own for my usual Dunkin visit. It felt great to be back to my routine. Routines are so comfortable. And they keep us accountable. One day off plan isn’t going to ruin things. But when that one day in...

Today has been a much better day. My back was still temperamental this morning, but it has actually improved throughout the day. I have been able to walk a tiny bit and only required meds once all day, early this morning. I hate to be hopeful but that’s just how I am. Always hope for the best, and just deal with it if that’s not what I get. I am hopeful I will be able to go to the pool tomorrow for the low impact class. I have really missed the water the last few days. My goal for this week is to try to get my sleep pattern steady again, which will be easy if I can stop taking the meds. These extra naps because of the medicine have made my sleep erratic again and I want to get back to sleeping full nights. Not only because it is good for my body, but it’s also the best thing for my mental health. I am happiest when I’m sleeping well and waking up before the sun. The world before dawn is my happy place. The silence and stars let me meditate and recharge, and then I get to watch my world...

For the last 8 weeks, prior to this week, I had felt like a beast. A proud lioness. The magic of having pain shots in my spine. In that little time, I forgot the pain, because my brain is very good at repressing painful memories. I had forgotten how to crawl through the grass after having been able to walk my Savannah proudly. I’ve been forced to crawl. But I have realized, a lioness forced to submit is still no less a powerful creature. I am still a powerful woman. I woke up in a cold sweat at 3:15 this morning, fevered and shivering. My body is fighting something off. I took some Tylenol and laid back down then woke up around 9 feeling a bit better. Fever never came back. ??? My body works in mysterious ways that even my doctors cannot explain. I once ran a 100.5 fever for two months and they never found out why. This vessel is a strange one. Since I felt alright, I got on my recumbent cross trainer and did as much as I could. It wasn’t much. Any position other than hunched over is n...

I’m posting this early today because I know I’m going to have another rough day. My chances of getting to the meet up tomorrow are slim and I am trying not to get emotional to the point of shutting down. Please don’t let me do that. A little shoutout this morning to Cory and Wanda who are in my inbox every day, encouraging me. It goes a long way, especially today. I’m so deep in my feelings this morning. I woke up with no feeling in my left leg and my back locked down. Pain is one thing, I can power through that. But total numbness and inability to stand is another. My body is tired. And I think it’s calling for me to be patient, and rest. And I’m so defiant that I keep pushing myself to do more. To finish a workout even if I’m in tears. To keep saying no, I won’t rest. To make promises I shouldn’t keep. Last night, my dad and I had a long talk about all the reasons it would be unwise and unsafe for me to go to Atlanta tomorrow now that my back is in this condition again, and I’m strug...

Here’s your DEFINITIVE proof that the scale is a liar. The shirt in the second picture is one I wore the week I met my husband in 2016. I am 40 pounds heavier now than I was then. Forty. And now it’s too big. It wasn’t a good day, but I persevered. When I went back to look at my picture from this morning, you can see the pain in my eyes, but I still smile. Didn’t even have the strength left in my back to take my bag off before the picture. I had to full stop twice on the short walk from my car to the pool to deal with the pain. Thankful for Amanda for helping me get towels this morning. I got my workout done, home to take medicine and was knocked out most of the afternoon. Trying to play catch up on my water now. As long as I can stand, I will keep moving. Pain. Be. Damned. #InspireFire

Some days I don’t want to post because I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining. But the truth is, my back pain is just a part of who I am. My defiance of it is a major part of my journey. When I talk about my pain, it’s not that I’m complaining, I’m just telling my story. Some day in my future, I will be fit enough for surgery, but until then, my back pain only makes my accomplishments more significant. So, I’m not complaining about it, because it is making me stronger, tougher, and more resilient. Ironically, it is my biggest cheerleader, because it inspires me every day, every hour, every minute, every…second. Oh, that’s sad. But true! So, pain be damned, it’s just motivating me more. I woke up and my back said, “you can’t get out of bed.” I said, “thanks for your support,” and got up anyway. I attempted to get ready for the gym, but it was pretty clear today wouldn’t be a walking day. So, I cleaned out my daughter's toys and organized her toy bins and stuffed animal hammocks a...

I wish my body was as willing as my spirit. I suppose that’s probably true of everyone at the beginning of their journey. But man, if my body could do what my spirit is longing to do, I’d be climbing mountains. But that’s why I’m here, and I’ll get to that point some day! My day started out well enough. Haven’t worn my two piece in about a week and the swim shorts I just got a couple of weeks ago are too big now. I kept having to pull them up as I walked. It’s weird to me that when my clothes fit, I’m pretty confident in them, but once they get too big, I become self-conscious in them. Seems kind of backward to me, but that’s been my experience so far. After grabbing breakfast, I headed to the gym. I had to stop once on the walk from the car to the pool to open my vertebrae but I’m not letting that get me down. I have come too far to be stopped. I had a nice workout. I’m so glad the people who come into the pool, including my Nana and Amanda, let me finish it because if I start talking...

Unexpected wardrobe problems led to discovering a pretty great NSV today. I woke up around 4 and did some back stretches before I got out of bed. I don’t think it helps, since my pain is from compressed nerves, but opening my vertebrae can’t hurt either. I rolled to the edge of the bed and realized I had fallen asleep before setting my swimsuit out. No big deal, I’ll just be quiet getting it from the dryer so I don’t wake anyone. I shuffled out of the room and slowly pulled the door of the dryer open so the pop of the latch would be quieter, and… it’s empty. Husband forgot to start the laundry last night. My one piece and both two pieces were in the washer, musty and damp. CRAP. I didn’t even have to look for an excuse. It had just happened upon me. I tossed the detergent pod in the washer and started it up as I continued my old-woman-back shuffle to the bathroom. I leaned over the sink and was upset that it looked like I wouldn’t make it to the pool today. And then I remembered! I fin...

I slipped last night. I was emotionally vulnerable and allowed myself to make a poor decision. And once made, mentally exhausted, a frightening temptation made me rethink everything. At 11pm, far past my bedtime, through fears and tears came insight. One thing that has always set uneasy for me is the idea that making a better but still bad decision is progress. In the simplest of terms, that’s true, I suppose. But nowhere in my dictionary does a bad decision ever mean a good thing. Some people call those things a baby step, but I consider it putting yourself in neutral. Not a step forward, but neither is it a step back. Here’s the problem with neutral. No ground you’ll ever find yourself on is entirely flat, and neither are the pathways of your mind. Your mentality always has gravity flowing one way or the other. Putting yourself in neutral is a risk. Whatever direction you’re inclined to when you switch that gear to neutral, your going to be geared to roll that way. If you were going ...

Know what’s fun? Having a neck for the first time in almost 4 years. What’s not fun? Being an empath to the point of someone else’s struggle becoming your own. Saturday gym time: 90 minutes of cardio and strength training in 5 feet of water. Today isn’t something I care to talk about, truthfully, so I’m not forcing myself to. It was one of those days we press on, get through and wake up the next day just a bit stronger because we overcame the day before. And I do. I overcome every day. Sometimes with smiles, sometimes with tears and sometimes both. But no matter what, I overcome. I persist. I dig deeper. I fight harder, I go further, I scream louder, I do whatever I have to do so that whether tomorrow is better or not, -I AM.-

I had a bizarre morning that jarred me enough that I forgot I was going to post in the AM instead of tonight. So afternoon it is. I was jolted awake a little after 2am this morning by my little one having a nightmare. Husband tried to get her back to sleep but she wasn’t having it. We all stayed up together until about 4:30 at which point I fell back to sleep. I woke up at 6:30 when she finally wanted to go back to bed. So it was a late start to my normal routine. My back was much improved this morning and I wasted zero time getting into my swimsuit and out the door before any excuses could pop up in my head. I got to Dunkin’, got my order from the lovely barista and proceeded into the Walgreens parking lot to eat and Facebook. About 20 minutes later, just before sunrise, a car pulls into this otherwise empty lot and parks a couple of spaces from me. From my peripheral vision, I see a man in dark clothing and a cap get out of the car, close his door and then turn to walk my direction. ...