SomeHowSomeWayEveryDay

My internal alarm went off just before 4am, as usual. A surprise, however, since I was too hyped up to sleep until after 11 last night. As I opened my eyes, I expected I had actually been asleep since I dozed off around 7 and being woken to the contest news had just been part of a dream. I grabbed my phone, fully expecting I had imagined the results, but there it was. It actually happened. I won the NG contest. I had already cried at the news last night, but my swollen eyes had a go at it again. I am so, so grateful to you all. I did not, for even a moment, think I would win anything. And to see my picture next to those of such superstars… what a feeling. I am completely blown away and cannot wait to be able to pay off a loan that is weighing us down heavily. That will be life changing for me, and will improve my mood even more. If I have anything left over after that and taxes, it’ll go back as money for Disney memories in December. I misunderstood the prize amount, whoops, so my E2M ...

I RAN TODAY. I haven’t run in 15 years but thanks to E2M, I was able to run today. Straight to the bathroom. Where I have resided most of the day since my second time having to run out of the pool. Stomach flu has hit my house. But thanks for saving my ass (and my shorts, and my dignity, and my gym membership) today, E2M. For obvious reasons, I don’t feel up to my usual posting, but just know, even under the worst circumstances (like being in 5’ water at a public pool and having to run out with your new and improved glutes squeezed tighter than Jaws), there’s always something to be grateful for. While lying in bed in agony, I tried to take a face picture. But we aren’t even going there today. However, I did notice my traps are coming right along! Ok, I go now!

Last night, my mindset slipped. Any of you who know what PMDD is knows it can be a psychological nightmare. I have been hospitalized because of it before, so it’s a major issue for me, mentally and emotionally. I managed to fall asleep before it caused any serious problems, but the seed of doubt was planted. This morning, I woke up feeling very down. I messaged Anna and told her I needed encouragement today. I explained how I was feeling—that my success wasn’t real, my eyes were deceiving me, that I measured wrong, that I was even bigger now than I had been before. I felt like a whale. When I looked at my pictures, and looked in the mirror, I felt like I looked bigger than I did when this started. It was a scarily realistic deception my brain was playing on me this morning. Anna gave me words of encouragement, but they didn’t stick at first. I had a doctor’s appointment this morning so, my routine being thrown off wasn’t helpful either. My nurse and doctor even complimented my appeara...

I have mentally stuttered for hours figuring out how to start this post. PMDD is a rude mistress. Of all the things E2M has given back to me, this is the only thing I was fine being without. My brain is kind of foggy today but will do my best to make sense! I woke up in a foul mood this morning. I stayed up last night to catch the live and the contest results. The results weren’t announced and for some reason, it made me unable to sleep. It was almost midnight before I fell asleep, but my 4am brain still woke me up. I was grumpy, grumpy. But I got up, got ready and drove to the gym anyway. Apparently, my gym relies on a single person showing up on time to be open and she was late. I sat in the car plucking my lady goatee until she finally arrived 40 minutes later. I was so proud of myself for staying and hoping someone would show up instead of using it as an excuse to go home and not workout. Old me would have gone home immediately! The gym was empty this morning. Several cars had pul...

The journey was perilous; locked in a fog surrounding all sides, inching closer and closer, blinding the way. My hand reached forward, grasping for something, anything, to hold onto. Finally, a familiar touch let me know I was safe. I leaned into its embrace, pulled the shutter to and looked through the glass at the gentle gray mist as I grabbed the helm. Determined to weather the worst, I steered my vessel at a near unbearably slow pace toward the faintest of lights in the distance, til at least I arrived at my berth. Ok, so, that was just my drive to the gym, so much fog. I fell asleep sometime between 5 and 6 last night, absolutely exhausted. I apologize for missing a post, that was certainly not the plan. But yesterday, I woke up sore and spent most of the morning pleasing with my body to get moving and it just refused. It insisted on a break from my daily routine. It knew before my brain did that my muscles needed some repair time. They surely must have because I slept for 10 hour...

Today’s post is a series of things that I will try to string together fluidly but it will flow from my heart, unedited by my brain, unchecked. This is a formal informal gratitude post. On June 27 this summer, I made what I considered at the time to be one of my most courageous moves in life. Moving out of a toxic home environment at 15. Finishing high school and starting college in a double major program at 16. Sneaking out of a bad relationship. Years of trauma therapy. Keeping a surprise pregnancy I had no idea how to financially or physically provide for. Not that I had no courage, but it was all spent and I was so broken that what I did that day felt like it was the hardest thing I have done yet. I posted a picture of my body, something I saw as deformed, inhuman, disgusting, to a group of 132,000 people. Pressing the button to post that picture took so much strength out of me that I had to lie down and it made me cry. I sobbed, not only because I had just revealed myself to strang...

Anyone want to buy a husband with a peculiar talent for imitating a howler monkey in the middle of the night? Actually, you know what? He’s free to a good home. Just send your vet references. I was awoken by this nonsense at 2:30 this morning. I tried to fall asleep again, but it was a lost cause. I glared at him as I approached, his face akin to a deer staring into headlights, ready for his world to end. I stopped just short of his chair, raised my hand, and gave him a quick Gibbs-style thwack to the back of the head and then kissed him good morning. There was a time when he would rightly have been fearing for his life, when disruption, especially waking me from sleep, would have been devastating to me. But no more. I’m happy to wake up alive, happy to start my day, and eager to face challenges. My mind is stronger than that now. During my usual breakfast in the car, I saw Atossa’s post, and it made me feel so encouraged and pumped for the day. I hearted and responded to comments befo...

Early to bed means early to rise. 3:30am to be exact. Busting rump trying to get the tax job done did my back in. Me and most chairs do not get along. When your torso makes up 75% of your body and leaves your legs dangling like a preschooler’s from any normal-height chair, spending any length of time sitting is as uncomfortable as biting into a cherry pit—except replace your teeth with vertebrae and the cherry pit with what’s left of your crushed discs. Ow. So anyway, I laid down to rest my back and pretty sure I passed out at around 7pm. I was beyond grateful for the message I received while I was unconscious that extended my deadline. As I was getting ready and waiting until my Dunkin opened, I decided I’d do a photo journey of what my average day is like. So that’s what the first collage is below. In the car at 4:45am to head to Dunkin for coffee and eggs. Some mornings it’s closer to 5 when I leave, depending on when I wake up since I don’t need an alarm clock anymore to wake up by...

I’m writing this post during a much needed sanity break from the two-week workload that was dropped in my lap a little after noon today with a deadline of Monday morning. I may have to put in a sleepless night tonight so preserving my sanity is important. Saturdays, I usually do a family day, but the husband and kiddo didn’t sleep well last night, so I decided to go to the gym when they opened and do my normal routine. My chest has been feeling much better (costochondritis) so I upped my weight today to what it was at before the doctor told me to slow my rolls. That burn felt so freaking good. I’ve missed feeling my arms pushed to their limits. Great news, it didn’t irritate my chest either! I’m proud of myself for waiting for my body to heal instead of continuing to fight the pain like I wanted to. Knowing when to dial it back is just as important as knowing when to ramp it up. Slow and steady is always better than a speedy burnout. After my workout, my new gym bag and I had a disagre...

I know the day isn’t over but.. I’m tiiired. I’ve been going nonstop since 4am, and now that I am decompressing, I want to get this post done so I don’t have to worry about falling asleep without getting it in! This morning, I was supposed to have my pictures taken for the final comparison picture. I don’t want to go into detail, but tl;dr, it didn’t happen. I’m going to be real with you, I was crushed. Not only was it a pretty big disappointment to kick the day off, I knew I’d have to take the pictures later in the day while water weight, food pudge and post-exercise swelling would have to be pictured alongside with me. I didn’t look my best for my final picture, but sometimes life just goes that way and if you can’t do it yourself, it’s not going to be done well. Problem is solved for next round though, I’ll have my own full-length mirror thanks to my dad. For the NGs coming in who may see this post, or the OGs who haven’t done pictures yet: take your best before picture. I didn’t bo...

Sorry for not getting a real post in yesterday. When I finally recovered from my treat meal, I was going to post but then I had to go pick up my little brother from football and take him home. When I got back, it was date night for hubby and I and all I’m going to say is I found out about several not safe for work NSVs last night. E2M out here improving marriages too, ha! I woke up pretty sluggish this morning, side effect of the carbs and sugar from my treat meal, probably. But like every morning, I just switch on the auto pilot, get ready and out the door by 5. I forgot to put my swimsuit in the dryer before bed so the two piece made a return. And guess what? It fits! I even had to switch the straps back to the racer back way because they were falling off my shoulders. I felt so damn good about myself that I didn’t even wear a coverup to walk into the gym. My ass went in there with my midriff showing, confident and giddy. I did my workout before the T/Th ladies showed up. They hadn’t...

Geez. Listen, thinking positively goes a long way. And boy am I glad I was able to think positively today because it was a roller coaster of emotions, stress, excitement, and nerves. My new favorite routine is going to the gym first thing. I no longer like to wait around until my grandmother is ready for water fitness, so I guess I have to make room in my budget for the 6 day a week 30 minute drive to the pool. That thought stressed me out and was lingering in my mind while I was picking up coffee from my Dunkin girls. I wasn’t discouraged, just in my head trying to figure it out. As always, the manager greeted me by name with my coffee and complimented my new suit. I pulled into a neighboring parking lot to drink my coffee like I do every morning now and started scrolling through the E2M page, like I do every morning. You see the pattern here, yes? I have become quite the creature of habit, in autopilot from the moment I wake up until after I leave the gym. This morning experienced a ...

You know, it’s true what they say, black really is slimming. There is a slight issue with the pads, hence my goofy face as I snapped this picture and realized I had been walking around with headlights. But I don’t care, I’m loving my new swimsuit! It’s colorful and bright, just like my personality now! Most days. Not every day is rainbows and unicorns, but damn near. I spent my morning like I usually do. Quick breakfast and coffee, but I had to go to the gym super early again today. I got there at 5 because I thought I was going to need to pick my aunt up at 8 for the class because my grandmother wasn’t going to be able to and then I didn’t have to (long story) and so I ended up staying until 9. About an hour of it was just chitchat though. One of the friends I’ve made there, I absolutely love talking to her. I showered and set off to the house. I had called my grandmother when I left the gym to tell her about the pants I had on. I had packed mostly in the dark this morning because my ...