The Most Monday of Mondays

Last night, my mindset slipped. Any of you who know what PMDD is knows it can be a psychological nightmare. I have been hospitalized because of it before, so it’s a major issue for me, mentally and emotionally. I managed to fall asleep before it caused any serious problems, but the seed of doubt was planted.

This morning, I woke up feeling very down. I messaged Anna and told her I needed encouragement today. I explained how I was feeling—that my success wasn’t real, my eyes were deceiving me, that I measured wrong, that I was even bigger now than I had been before. I felt like a whale. When I looked at my pictures, and looked in the mirror, I felt like I looked bigger than I did when this started. It was a scarily realistic deception my brain was playing on me this morning. Anna gave me words of encouragement, but they didn’t stick at first. I had a doctor’s appointment this morning so, my routine being thrown off wasn’t helpful either. My nurse and doctor even complimented my appearance when I came in this morning because they could see the difference. But that obstacle in my brain couldn’t process it. I even had to walk around the entire building this morning to go in, something I could never have accomplished 8 weeks ago when I had to have help just to get in the front door. Those two things this morning should have been joyous NSVs for me, but the bad mindset stole that from me. As I got back into the car, my stomach brushed the steering wheel and I panicked. I realized after I got in, it still didn’t touch the wheel but there for a moment, I thought it did and I nearly cried right where I was.

I’m proud of one thing from this morning. I didn’t go get food to comfort myself. My favorite bakery is less than a mile from my doctor's office. I easily could have attempted to drown my sorrows there. But I didn’t, I drove my ass straight home to mope in a healthier environment. Anna sent me message after message of things she wanted to accomplish today and things that were getting in the way. And she got it done anyway! I finally felt that kick in the back I needed to dig deep. She inspired me. She had said one thing this morning that I did “hear” but I couldn’t figure it out. She asked me what I was going to do for myself today. I didn’t know what to answer. I didn’t feel I had earned anything special for myself by being a raincloud all morning, so I had let it go. But then it hit me. Something for me. For my mind, for my body. Not a treat for myself, but rather a gift to my spirit.

I pulled myself out of couch cushion I had been wallowing on and got out of the house. What I chose to do for ME was exercise the independence I have gained from this. I went to pick up packages completely alone and told my husband there was something I absolutely needed to try to do to show myself how far I’ve come and finally quiet that voice in my head trying to undo all I have done. Those of you who read my second post here know I went over 2 years without leaving my house/car. I had everything delivered or reserved for pick up or sent my husband to get for me. My second day here, I went to get my own groceries for the first time with the help of my husband and a motorized cart. I’ve been out several times since but have still been using the carts for fear of getting stuck with my back out or leg numb. Today was my day to be braver than that.

I texted Anna “Tell me to just DO IT.” After convincing her it was nothing dangerous and assuring her she would not be arrested for being an accomplice to a crime, she just said “GO DO THE THING.” I got out of my car, so scared that I felt like I would vomit, walked right into that grocery store, passed the motorized carts and wheelchair, and I. Did. My. Shopping. All alone. No chair, no scooter. My own two feet, my own legs, my own back. And that’s all it took. I got back to the car, put my groceries in the passenger seat, and I laughed. The relief of knowing these past 8 weeks and all I had accomplished was true, the relief of not collapsing in the store, the relief of my back still holding strong… it all washed over me and all I could do was laugh. And my day has been joyful ever since.

Even the strongest of us will have days we have to lean on others. I am very grateful for the people in this group that I know I can lean on. So, so many of you. And Anna, bless her heart, may as well be a long-lost sister I never knew I had. Please, please lean on your family here. Don’t try to fly solo. It’s not worth it. You are far more likely to reach your goals and fulfill your potential if you let others in and be vulnerable.

Pictures of my doctor visit, including why I had to use the employee entrance to get into the office after someone tried to make a drive thru out of the lobby. The picture of the window is a whimsical goal I thought of. Round 6, I wanna be small enough to fit through that comically worthless egress, and strong enough to climb up there. Just a peek into things I think about when left alone in a small room.