A Test of Progress

-
Today was a much, much better day. A great day, actually!
I felt confident enough this morning to stop and go into the gas station in my swimsuit this morning (forgot my water bottle at home). As someone who just 5 weeks ago wouldn’t even wear a quarter sleeve in public, this was huge for me!
My doctor added another benzo to my meds. Started it last night and felt pretty good this morning. No rolling out of bed or crawling to get ready; I sat straight up and walked limp-free to the bathroom. Pain was still there so I couldn’t park as far out in the lot as usual for my gym swim class this morning but that’s ok. Missed out on about 20 extra steps but that’s nothing compared to being able to get to the pool without my back wanting to cave like it did yesterday.
Workout was awesome! I’m still having trouble balancing myself in the pool. All of my excess weight is on my front, literally all of it, so that doesn’t help, but I also just have a weak core and struggle to get a grip on the pool floor. I found some pool shoes today so I think that will help immensely with being able to quickly change directions for the moves we do. But you know what? When my balance fails and I end up face first in the water, I laugh it off and keep going. It doesn’t even embarrass me. I’ve become so comfortable with myself that I don’t feel that shame anymore. I know I’m a warrior now and it doesn’t matter anymore if someone has any negative or judgmental thoughts about me.
My shower after the pool was easier than any shower has been for me so far. I realized I had been standing for almost 5 whole minutes without any back pain. I was like… “wait… that can’t be from just the new medicine.” Guys… I think my injection is starting to work!! I am so, so hopeful about it!!
I came home and spent some time on a call with my best friend who lives in Asia. I’ve had a hard time balancing my relationships since starting this journey because I have been absolutely overwhelmed and hyper-focused. On Sunday, I decided to use the hour I have at home before my kiddo wakes up to spend that time with my friend every day. I’m finding I have time and drive for things I didn’t used to now that I’m happier and in a healthier state of mind.
After baby girl woke up, we decided to go grocery shopping. I parked in the middle of the Sam’s lot. That’s a loooong way from the door, but after I realized my back pain was significantly improved, I wanted—no, I NEEDED to test it. And guess who made it to and from the store from that spot? ME. I DID THAT. I did over a mile of walking today, which is a miracle to me. And I’m not even curled up in pain.
I’m happy happy today. Praying this continues and the injection is working on me.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Impromptu Rest Day

-
Image
Impromptu rest day today. I woke up too early, with a headache. I got on my recumbent for 10 minutes then switched over to the rowing machine, but only got about 4 minutes in before the headache got too strong to continue exerting. I was hoping some coffee and water would break my headache, but alas, it’s been 12 hours and it’s still here. I rarely got headaches before I had the epidural injection back in July, but now I have them often, some days much worse than others. I still find a reason to smile though, every day! I put on my self-rep shirt for coffee today. Some memories popped up on my widget screen and I couldn’t help but be astounded by the changes in my face, not just the size, but the proportions have changed so much. Even my nose, it’s crazy. I don’t even know what I’m going to look like when I get to a healthy weight because I’ve been morbidly obese since 4th grade. You’re all on this adventure with me, and I have no idea where we are going, but I’m loving the journey. Th...
Read more

The Most Monday of Mondays

-
Image
Last night, my mindset slipped. Any of you who know what PMDD is knows it can be a psychological nightmare. I have been hospitalized because of it before, so it’s a major issue for me, mentally and emotionally. I managed to fall asleep before it caused any serious problems, but the seed of doubt was planted. This morning, I woke up feeling very down. I messaged Anna and told her I needed encouragement today. I explained how I was feeling—that my success wasn’t real, my eyes were deceiving me, that I measured wrong, that I was even bigger now than I had been before. I felt like a whale. When I looked at my pictures, and looked in the mirror, I felt like I looked bigger than I did when this started. It was a scarily realistic deception my brain was playing on me this morning. Anna gave me words of encouragement, but they didn’t stick at first. I had a doctor’s appointment this morning so, my routine being thrown off wasn’t helpful either. My nurse and doctor even complimented my appeara...
Read more

Health Anxiety

-
Image
I didn’t get home until midnight last night, fell into bed and cried myself to sleep. Shame and fear. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about this in a group post, and it’s really vulnerable for me to open up about like this, but I suffer from severe health anxiety. If you have it, you know well what that means. For those unfamiliar, it’s basically like living with the constant worry that every little pain or illness that happens to you is because you’re dying. Random pain in your arm, it’s a heart attack. Bump on your skin, it’s cancer. Lymph nodes swollen, it’s lymphoma. Like…it’s exhausting. I had health anxiety as a child because I went through several scares with my health around puberty, that’s a loooong story. After my mom passed and I stopped caring about life, it improved. But then after having my daughter and the pandemic, it became worse than ever. My anxiety has been heightened ever since my mysterious chest pain started a couple of months ago, but I handled it well. Until I g...
Read more