I Have to Be the Center of My Universe

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Today was my best day yet, especially important because last night was my worst night yet.

I don’t know about others, but the later I’m awake (insomnia), the harder it gets to control my emotions and remember my why. Around 1am, I was very deep in my feels and feeling discouraged, and I ended up breaking the plan. After, I knew I had two choices: I could either let it defeat me, or I could wake up this morning and start new. Two weeks ago, I would have let it defeat me but I chose to keep keeping on. I’m not perfect, but I can always make the decision to try again, and again, and again. So I woke up and just kept going.
We got to swim today. I was AMAZED at how much less pain I had in the pool. I felt light and my joints moved effortlessly. I spent the first hour just swimming and walking laps with my daughter, then another hour doing circuits and core exercises, all with no joint pain. Not even my back stopped me. I, almost literally, felt the weight of the world return when I started the incredibly difficult ladder climb out of the pool. And I had a life-altering realization. How I felt in the pool is probably how fit people feel all the time. And it made me want it even more.
I felt beautiful in my swimsuit today. I don’t remember if I’ve ever felt beautiful before. I felt pretty and deserving of showing my skin, which subsequently burned under two layers of sunscreen.
I’ve gotten comments lately about how I haven’t been around as much or have been quiet about world issues. The truth is, I can’t do it all. I had to block out the rest of the world. I felt so selfish for it. But I finally got to the point where I realized I could not be the wife, mother, niece, daughter, granddaughter, friend or world changer I wanted to be until I focused on myself. I have to be the center of my universe just long enough to heal and get my health so I can be and do and change the things I want to.




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