Standing in the Shower...how Novel.

 I’m sharing something really personal tonight. And also a really poor quality workout selfie.

I want to be just completely upbeat and happy and YEAH LET'S GET IT. I know that’s what people want to see and I’m a people pleaser so, the temptation to leave out the hard parts of each day is real. But guess what I am and have always promised to be: REAL. I’m an extremely obese person who has taken a huge, hip-dislocating leap into a world of fitness and health and self-control and discipline, and sometimes I feel like I’m in some kind of alternate universe. One where I struggle to feel like I truly belong. That is on no one but me, and I’ll be damned if I let that nagging voice ever stop me from working toward what I know is achievable. And I can do it. It’s a long, painful and completely overhauling journey to get there, but I know I can.

I said a while back that my goal was simply to do something to surpass myself every day. Some days that’s physical, some days that’s mental and some days, like today, it’s extremely emotional. I am suffering from parosmia right now, been back for 4 days. I smell and taste a horrid, putrid odor constantly. I went through this when I had pneumonia for almost 2 months. I found that all that I could stand the taste or scent of was sugar and salt. Obviously, that isn’t going to work with this program. I’ve tried all I know to try as far as flavoring food and nothing, NOTHING masks the stench except for super minty gum and the only thing I can drink other than water is a single kind of protein shake so… I’m not in a good place. We often take for granted such simple things, like smell or a decent palate. When those things are replaced with the smell of rot and draino, listen, it’s depressing. I have no other word for it. It has been dragging me down hard. I’ll admit I cried about it last night as it took me shoving Vicks into my nostrils to be able to sleep.

I worked out this evening, but my heart wasn’t in it. Only thing worse than the smell was smelling it 100x more because I was breathing faster. And I’m sluggish… lack of proper nutrition and constantly dreaming of the various sources of the smell my imagination comes up with causing rough sleep. But. I made a promise to myself. Surpass myself somehow, some way, every day.

I lost the ability to shower while standing in April of 2021 because of the nerve issues in my back. Only one person in my family knows that I basically bucket bathe because after that fall in April ‘21, I have been too afraid to get in the shower without assistance and I don’t like asking for it. I get clean, but it’s a shameful way to bathe for me. Every, single time, I feel less than human.

I stared at that shower tonight. I frowned, I fretted and the devil on my shoulder kept saying I couldn’t do it. SCREW YOU BUDDY! I did it. I. Did. It. I got in the shower, I stood to wash, I held on to the sides, and I sat when my leg got weak. I giggled. And then I laughed. I beat that voice, I bested myself, I did the damn thing, and I was proud. This may sound like a very silly thing to feel so accomplished for, but I SURPASSED MYSELF. I won a battle with myself. #mevsme

While today may have lacked in the food and exercise accomplishments, I conquered a fear, and I am genuinely proud.