The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Y’all gonna have to roll right along with my eye bags and wild hair today. It was a long night and a wild day, and I have something I want to talk to y’all about. And there’s homework at the end!

If you read my post yesterday, you’ll know I got my butt whooped—up, down, sideways and backward. The ache never let up. All night, I tossed and turned in bed, whimpering and trying to find a position, any position, that I could rest. Never did. What little sleep I got was from just passing out wherever the exhaustion left me. At 6am, I gave up on sleep and crawled out of bed. The walk to the bathroom felt like it could be my last.

I sat on the toilet and covered my face with my shaky hands. I could feel the ever-familiar feeling of hopelessness creeping into my foggy and sleep-starved brain. For a moment, I felt fear. Fear I couldn’t do this. Fear this feeling wouldn’t go away. Fear I was just going to fail again. And, in the past, that moment I had this morning would have been the end of my journey. It’s that breaking point I always come to, where shit gets too real for my comfort and I crave and run for normalcy, back to food and back to seclusion.

Beneath the dying flames of my resolve remained glowing embers. My accomplishments, my goals, my desires, and in the heart of it all—you all. Your words of encouragement, your cheers, your solidarity, and your belief in me. A deep breath: inhaling, I imagined the oxygen these things have given me, and exhaling, I stoked the fire once more. How I wish that could have removed the pain, but it did give the pain renewed purpose, and myself new perspective.

These fears, these are lies I’ve been telling myself for years. Of course, I didn’t know they were lies. Our insecurities tend to wrap themselves in familiar and comfortable packaging and pretend to keep us safe. We believe them. And once we’ve held them for so long that we almost become sentimental about them, we can no longer distinguish them from truth or mirage. The lies I’ve told myself? I can’t do, I’m not good enough to, and I’m nothing special.

Lie 1: “I can’t do this. I’m too [fat][out of shape][injured][weak].” I’m not. I’m really not. There’s no point I’ve ever come to in life where I couldn’t do something better tomorrow than I did today. No point where I couldn’t try to do more. The only thing that ever held me back was not my back, not my pain, not my weight, not my health, it was the lie I told myself that became my reality.

Lie 2: “I’m not good enough or worth enough.” I’m sure this is relatable. We are a single human on a planet of billions. It’s easy to take that knowledge, focus on what we think are our shortcomings and make ourselves worthless with it. But the truth is, no one falls short of another, we simply exist differently than each other. All as different as the sun and the moon. You cannot compare yourself to anyone other than yourself yesterday. We may not be the center of the Universe, but we are the center of our own universe. When you shine your brightest, you’re the life force for the things you care about.

Lie 3: “I’m nothing special.” I’ve always defined myself as normal, or even subpar. No special character or talent. Just a traveler passing through life with no lasting impact and no waves breaking before me. It took a lot of self-love to open my eyes to what others see. Where my strengths are, the talents I do possess, and the things that make me unique. Like the last lie, this is true of us all. There’s no first, second, last— your only competition is YOU. My only competition is me. And compared to yesterday, I’m very fucking special indeed.

Today turned into a physical rest day. I still moved, cleaned the house a bit, took my daughter out, played with my dogs.. things I have never done on a daily basis, but I am doing and making better every day. Today was also a mental fitness day. I spent a lot of time exercising my mind and soul. I hope what I found helps y’all today, as y’all helped me save myself this morning.

If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to give you some homework. What lie or lies do you tell yourself? Sniff them out, expose them, and commit to stop speaking them to yourself. Throw out the prettily wrapped insecurities you’ve been holding onto and replace that space with the truth you’ve learned by loving yourself.