A Formal Informal Thank You

Today’s post is a series of things that I will try to string together fluidly but it will flow from my heart, unedited by my brain, unchecked. This is a formal informal gratitude post.

On June 27 this summer, I made what I considered at the time to be one of my most courageous moves in life. Moving out of a toxic home environment at 15. Finishing high school and starting college in a double major program at 16. Sneaking out of a bad relationship. Years of trauma therapy. Keeping a surprise pregnancy I had no idea how to financially or physically provide for. Not that I had no courage, but it was all spent and I was so broken that what I did that day felt like it was the hardest thing I have done yet. I posted a picture of my body, something I saw as deformed, inhuman, disgusting, to a group of 132,000 people. Pressing the button to post that picture took so much strength out of me that I had to lie down and it made me cry. I sobbed, not only because I had just revealed myself to strangers, but because of how repulsed I was by seeing myself in the first pictures I had taken in over a year. I couldn’t look at me. And to be honest, I expected the people here not to be able to look at me either. To be just as disturbed by my appearance as I was. Maybe even to have the picture taken down because it felt so wrong to see.

To say I was shocked by the response is a major understatement. Floored, flabbergasted, baffled, nothing can describe it. No one was unkind. No one vomited. No one left laugh reacts or gross comments. Every single person was welcoming, encouraging, kind and loving. People who knew nothing about me aside from the little paragraph I posted reached out to me and offered words of support and congratulated me for my openness. The very thing I expected to backfire on me turned out to be the very thing people appreciated me for. It was the best decision I could have made, even more important than taking Carla’s offer to join the program with her. Because I could have just joined, never made the post, and likely would have failed on this journey like I have the numerous other health journeys I have attempted over my 20+ years of obesity. I went on my first diet in 4th grade after a classmate asked me if I was pregnant. I had made up my mind to be successful here, but I didn’t believe in myself. I expected to fall, and I probably would have if not for you all. Please let that serve to spur you all to show that love and support on every post you can. And let that serve to spur the NGs coming in (and the OGs still not willing to take that step) to take the damn pictures and POST THEM. That one step made all the difference.

The next day, just in that 12 hours, I looked at myself completely differently. That self-loathing and shame was nothing but a quiet whimper in the back of my mind. You had given me life and showed me how to love myself. And THAT is where health starts. It doesn’t start with hating who you’ve become or being disgusted by your reflection. It starts by loving yourself, because that love will guide the decisions you make for your body. A positive view of yourself and your body will lead to positive actions and choices. And that’s what you did for me. You showed me a new perspective. If that was all I had benefited from you in this time, that would have changed my life forever. It didn’t stop there, though. Over the weeks, the encouragement and positive reactions to sharing my completely new life and outlook continued to push me further, embolden and uplift me. I’ve never been this confident, this self-assured or this grateful for who I am. What a gift you have given me!

So many have contributed to my journey, far too many to name everyone. When I would stumble, I would hear your words; “trust the process,” “you can do hard things,” “all or something,” and I would let it repeat and I’d go read your comments over and over until I felt that strength return. And I have to call out Brenda here because her saying back to me my own words “pain be damned” has gotten me through every single moment of pain for several weeks now. When my epidural wore off two weeks ago and I was struggling to even walk into the gym, I swear it actually appeared in my vision, her smiling face next to #painbedamned because she put it in every comment. And you know what? I fought through that pain and kept strengthening and can now say that even without that epidural’s help and thanks to new and stronger muscles, I am able to continue on every damn day and do what I need to -and- what I want to, pain be damned.

Countless are the blessings you have given me, bright as stars flickering in my mind every moment of every day, words that put my feet into motion and keep my mind strong. I know I do the work, but you provide the inspiration and fuel my progress. Atossa’s post built upon that even more. To have that many people appreciate me just for being me… I have cried happily over it several times since yesterday morning. I was moved beyond words which is why I wanted to make a full post about it today. I. Love. You. All. You gave me back myself. My hobbies, my passions, my intelligence, my desires and goals, all returned to me because of YOU. You are the best type of human, and the world would be changed by having more like you in it. I stand in awe of you every day.

If everyone who came in here made that same decision to be vulnerable and let you lift them up, and decide to practice that self-love, imagine the success. Look for those people sharing for the first time—you never know how much you will change them, like you changed me.

I can barely wait to enter round 2 with you all. To encourage NGs, to spread the love and watch you succeed. This community gave me a home I never felt I had. Maybe I sleep like a baby because of the exercise, or maybe it’s because I finally feel secure.

Picture of the posts, and an obligatory progress picture of my arms!!