Jamie 2.0

I slipped last night. I was emotionally vulnerable and allowed myself to make a poor decision. And once made, mentally exhausted, a frightening temptation made me rethink everything. At 11pm, far past my bedtime, through fears and tears came insight.

One thing that has always set uneasy for me is the idea that making a better but still bad decision is progress. In the simplest of terms, that’s true, I suppose. But nowhere in my dictionary does a bad decision ever mean a good thing. Some people call those things a baby step, but I consider it putting yourself in neutral. Not a step forward, but neither is it a step back. Here’s the problem with neutral. No ground you’ll ever find yourself on is entirely flat, and neither are the pathways of your mind. Your mentality always has gravity flowing one way or the other. Putting yourself in neutral is a risk. Whatever direction you’re inclined to when you switch that gear to neutral, your going to be geared to roll that way. If you were going strong forward in your mentality, that pit stop in neutral isn’t going to suddenly put you in reverse, but if you were already struggling up the hill and you shift it into neutral, you’re either going to slide down that hill again or have to full stop on the brakes. That better bad decision could be exactly what takes you to the starting line again.

I made a better bad decision last night. If I was still the me who made those bad decisions, I may even feel good about having made that progress of making it a better bad. But I’m not that me. I’m not the 418lb skin sack of depression and anxiety that didn’t give a shit about my body or my future. I’m a better me and the standard is higher now. I’ve proven myself capable of the better, even the best decisions. There’s no home for those better bad decisions anymore because I am better than those bad decisions! My emotional vulnerability doesn’t excuse a bad decision. My mental exhaustion doesn’t excuse it either. Because I have learned the discipline and proven my strength against those excuses. So when I use those excuses, I’m lying to myself.

I laid there and thought of some of my inspirations. Crystal getting up every day, brazen and beautiful putting the work in. LC bravely admitting her hesitation to go on maintenance because despite proving her strength, she struggled to trust herself. Cliff with his dedication to himself so strong that even a holiday weekend doesn’t stop his routine. Kimberly throwing on that brace and doing the work anyway. April proving her doctors wrong and running her race. Chad teaching me there’s always further ground to push for. Jennie showing me how there’s always time for what you are committed to. Cori reminding me every damn day that a positive mindset wins every time. Just to name a few!

I won’t settle for better bad decisions anymore. I’m proud to be better than who I was, and those yesterdays were long enough ago that they aren’t my standard anymore. I can’t get where I want to go by taking pride in any sort of bad decision, whether it was better than I used to be or not, because the bar for “better” moved up a looong time ago. LFG, new insight, new day, new chapter.

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