My Biggest Cheerleader

Some days I don’t want to post because I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining. But the truth is, my back pain is just a part of who I am. My defiance of it is a major part of my journey. When I talk about my pain, it’s not that I’m complaining, I’m just telling my story. Some day in my future, I will be fit enough for surgery, but until then, my back pain only makes my accomplishments more significant. So, I’m not complaining about it, because it is making me stronger, tougher, and more resilient. Ironically, it is my biggest cheerleader, because it inspires me every day, every hour, every minute, every…second. Oh, that’s sad. But true! So, pain be damned, it’s just motivating me more.

I woke up and my back said, “you can’t get out of bed.” I said, “thanks for your support,” and got up anyway. I attempted to get ready for the gym, but it was pretty clear today wouldn’t be a walking day. So, I cleaned out my daughter's toys and organized her toy bins and stuffed animal hammocks and then cleaned the room. Something I haven’t done since she was a year old, probably. I took medicine and hoped it would get better enough to move but… no. Around 11, I took the good pills and fell asleep again. I don’t know what good these things are supposed to be for me if all they do is knock me out and then I don’t get to enjoy my lesser pain time! Though, the high-quality naps are useful for the mental toll of fighting through the pain. I woke up from my nap and it was still on fire. I got up and set on the edge of the bed and knitted my brow. “I’m not giving in to this!”

I got dressed. I got my daughter dressed and did her hair. I put on my best smile and walked her out the door to the car. I picked her up, I buckled her into her seat, something I have literally never done because I’ve always hurt so badly bending over into our little sedan. And it hurt, but I didn’t care. Today wasn’t going to keep defeating me; I was going to win. We drove to town to get her lunch and spend time together. I’m still not confident enough in my body to take her into a store alone because I couldn’t chase her if she ran away or protect her if someone tried to run away with her. So, we ate in the car and listened to her favorite music.

When we got home, I was not going to push myself any further, but I got all defiant against my back again and decided to clean the rest of the living area. I cleaned out cabinets, I cleaned floors, I did laundry and wiped down surfaces, and I organized. Me. I did that. The person who hasn’t so much as vacuumed in 3 years, I did all of that! And my back whined and cried the whole time just like my cranky toddler, but I told it to shut up in the harshest way since I can’t do that to the real toddler, and I pressed on until it was finished. I am so freaking proud of myself. And I don’t care if I’m suffering for it in the morning, I’ll just take my wheelchair and go to the gym anyway. Not that I didn’t get my cardio today, check my heart rate just from cleaning. Don’t let yourself get in this shape. Work hard to be strong.

I’ve blamed my back for where I am. But the truth is, I made my back this way. I knew it was weakened and I still let myself become immobile and morbidly obese. My back isn’t to blame for my life, I’m to blame. I just used my back as an excuse to slowly become less alive. And doing that destroyed my back. I shouldn’t be apologizing for the things I can’t do because of my back, I should be apologizing to my body for how I have treated it. And this new life is my apology. An apology and a promise to treat it better.

Enjoy this goofy picture my husband took of me while I was asleep on my hand. My hair is… something else. Love y’all!

#InspireFire