Two Busted Backs

Long post alert. Like, long even in comparison to my posts. Two days' worth of things to report and recount! But let me start off by saying this is the, hands-down-and-behind-the-back-don’t-even-think-about-arguing-with-me-about-it, BEST community I have ever heard of or seen, and I am eternally blessed and grateful to be a member of it. I hope all positive forces in this universe bless every single one of you who make this place what it is. May all you give of your heart and self be returned 100-fold.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4 after an extremely emotional night with very little sleep, checked on my dog and loved on her for a bit before groggily heading out to the gym. I was out of it. I grabbed my coffee, and just sat in the car staring at the sky as I drank. It was a heavy hour. I spent a lot of time reflecting, remembering, pausing, and ultimately had to lean on my why to get through. I daydreamed. Daydreaming is my gift to myself when my spirit is weighed down. It’s not meditation since I have never been able to accomplish that, but it’s the closest thing I’m able to do. To intentionally dream. If you don’t take time to do that, or to meditate, I really encourage it.

The gym pool was actually a little busy, so my workout was kicked up a notch in difficulty by the choppy waters from the lap swimmers. Balancing was a real challenge again, which it hasn’t been since the first few weeks of my aquatics journey. It was harder to focus on feeling my muscles as they moved but it wasn’t a bad change. I just saw it as a little extra challenge for my core. If you’ve never exercised in 5’ water, you may not understand the difficulty of remaining in place and balanced in it. I did my full workout and cardio as usual before my back pain had attempted to suffocate me last week. And I actually felt good enough that I asked my Nan if she would watch my daughter after water fitness so I could stay for the full class and just float around after. I joined the class for most of their session and then retreated back to the deeper part to do some deep stretching and just float and enjoy the pain relief. It was the cure to that heavy feeling my spirit had. I was in the water for 4 hours. I looked like one of those raisin toys from the 90s when I got out.

After my shower, I sat down in the lobby to drink a bottle of water and catch up with my phone notifications. One of the staff that had always greeted me when I came in back in July when I was only doing the classes came over and sat with me. He told me “It’s nothing to do with me, but I want you to know how proud I am of you, and how much progress I’ve watched in you.” He put his fist up for what he called a “dap”, and I awkwardly bumped his fist hoping that’s what he meant, all the while blushing like the tomatoes I dream of so often now (R.I.P my loves). He sat with me for about 20 minutes praising me and pointing out my successes and giving me challenges. He told me he thought I was ready for laps, and he would help me if I wanted to try. I tried laps around week 3 last round and my arms almost fell off, so I haven’t attempted it again. I thanked him for all his words and giving me the courage to try laps again. So, guess what this girl will be doing tomorrow morning? Time to get in that lap lane.

That conversation gave me the strength I needed to get through the next 24 hours. Sparing those details, without that spirit boost and courage rush, I may have fallen off yesterday. It was easily the hardest trial I’ve faced since joining E2M. Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain. Long story short for the rest of yesterday and this morning: see paragraph one. I stayed up most of the night again to keep watch on my dog after finding out that what we thought had been a seizure was actually my dog blowing her back out, at only 3 years old.

At 7am, we left to take her to the neurosurgeon. He asked me if I had been prepared for the price and I nodded. But then he proceeded to tell me I had been way over-quoted for the actual surgery. I busted into tears again. Had we not been able to take her for that testing, we would not have known it was actually within the realm of possibility for us to save her back and legs. Blessings upon blessings upon blessings. She was immediately taken into surgery, and she did great. Our baby girl should be home Saturday to begin her 6-week recovery.

I came home from the clinic and immediately fell into bed and to sleep. I slept until 1 then had to get up and go to my pain management doctor. Another first, a new NSV happened! My daughter went to my appointment with me. I was able to get her into the car, out of the car, into the office, keep her relatively non-destructive throughout my appointment, back into the car, out of the car at home and kept my sanity until that moment. I got her out and by the time I shut the door, the child has full sprinted down the driveway.

She’s almost halfway down it at that point. And I start walking as fast as I can, back pain in tow, calling for her to come back toward me. She just laughs and keeps running. I start screaming her name out, telling her to stop, willing my legs to go faster. She’s not listening, no one around me is coming outside, I’m panicking. She gets to the neighbor’s yard and is only 30’ from the road at that point and I guess adrenaline kicked in because I started running. I finally caught her. I fell to the ground and grabbed her shoulders and just cried. I tried not to yell or scare her, but I was sitting there in the gravel trying to recover from the anxiety attack I was having. I just held her tight and kept saying “never run from mommy” over and over.

Once I recovered my breath, I got up and grabbed her hand to walk her back to the house. I guess the adrenaline started to fade and I made it about 20’ before I had to stop and squat to open my back up. I had left my phone on the roof of the car at my house when I took off after her. There was no option but for us to walk. I channeled my strength by remembering this exact situation is the most important why I have. I have to protect my daughter. I can’t do that in my condition. And I certainly can’t do that if I’m dead. I just gritted my teeth and walked her home and into the house and then fell to the floor. She’s ok, but I do not have the confidence to take her out alone again. That was the most scared I have ever been. Eventually, I got up and sat her down for a talk about staying near me and how dangerous that was.

So, that was my ridiculously eventful past 48 hours. Bedtime cannot get here soon enough. I hope I can sleep 10 or 12 hours and wake up at least mostly restored. I am so grateful for the blessings that came before, during and after this crazy episode of life. But more than anything, I’m glad that the changes in my health and body allowed my legs to do what they had to do today. 12 weeks ago, I wouldn’t have caught her and that is the most devastating thought, and this lesson will keep me burning.

You never know when you will need your strength or your health. Foster them so you never have to know what could happen if you don’t. We have to be better for ourselves, but that improvement naturally branches out to every connection in our lives. A better you is better for them all.