I Became the Rainbow

I always look forward to stormy and rainy days. Why? Because when they clear, I get my rainbow. I can’t explain my connection to rainbows, but they give me life. They lift my soul. They brighten my world. No matter how many I have seen and how many more are to come, they are magic to me every time.

I told Cori yesterday that I needed a rainbow, but there wasn’t one coming, so she sent me a virtual one. Not the same, but I always appreciate her giving me so much support. I pulled myself together to go work out and do family day at the pool. We left too early because I got their hours wrong (since I usually don’t go on Sundays), so I told my husband he would have to take my daughter to the playground while I waited in the car. There is no way to park close to the playground and the walk to and from it is like a 70-degree angled hill at the beginning and a long (to me) stretch of field. Further than I’ve walked in one go in years, and I definitely haven’t been climbing any embankments.

I pulled into a spot on the side of lot closest to it and rolled the windows down, preparing to sit in the car for an hour while they played. I could feel the anxiety and sadness creeping up on me the moment they walked away. And you will have to excuse my language because my spirit quite literally said “f@$& this, get out of the car and go.” I don’t ignore a feeling that strong. I quickly got up and out of that car and stared at the ground between me and that playground. I felt so much fear at first. Even if I managed to get down the hill without falling, how on earth would I get back up? But my spirit basically pushed me forward.

I started down that hill and found my legs keeping me straight. My back held strong. I wasn’t shaking or teetering at all. I slowly but steadily made my way down the hill and across the field so I could be with my family and watch my daughter play. I didn’t celebrate too much just yet though, knowing I still had to get back. We enjoyed the playground for about 45 minutes, and I decided to start back to the car in case I had to take the hill a little at a time. I walked across the stretch of field and stopped just before the incline to try to capture the angle in a picture. Sharp enough that my car wasn’t visible on top of it.

I took a deep breath and just put one foot in front of the other as I began the climb. I found each step wasn’t scary or unsteady, I was fine. My left knee started to whine as I closed in on the top of it, but it got me there. My breath was a little quicker, but I wasn’t dying. Oh my god. I just did that. I turned around to see my daughter coming up the hill behind me and I turned to my husband to raise my arms in triumph. And of course, she posed with me. I wasn’t on top of the world, but it felt like it!

When I went back to look at these pictures, I noticed something beautiful, and not just my baby girl and my accomplishment. I have been so incredibly stressed, emotional and sad the last several days that I became the storm. I have cried more than I’ve smiled, and I became the rain. As I stood atop that hill in my striped suit that has become so baggy that it no longer touches my body, the sagging stripes turned me into a rainbow. I became my own rainbow.

Today has been a hectic speed run of responsibilities. I only had an hour to work out at the gym, but I did it. It sometimes gets to me that I don’t have anyone to rely on other than my grandmother so when someone else needs her, I don’t have a backup. My appointment for my wrist surgery had to be skipped today but hopefully I will be able to reschedule soon. I have an appointment tomorrow that I’m worried about and can’t be skipped so it will be another rushed day. I’ll be leaving here soon to take Mawa to get the staples out of her back and seal my financial insecurity for a while.

I’m very busy, very stressed, very uncertain and feel like a balloon being inflated and deflated again and again. But I am pushing through this. I am making good on my motto every day, no matter how I feel. Somehow, some way, every day, I will be better than I was. Nothing can stop me from accomplishing that. I can’t let anything stop me. I won’t.

Happy week 7. These next two weeks can be trying, but they are also the most successful if you stay strong. Reach out for accountability and push yourself to finish the course. We are all cheering you on.