Warriors Don't Quit

I couldn’t find the inspiration to write yesterday. I’m in the strangest state of mind I have ever experienced, even stranger than while I was pregnant. I feel like my brain is trying to cope with the overwhelming emotions by compartmentalizing and distancing them. For example, I am simultaneously as determined as ever about my health while also being anxious enough to want to disappear; but these things never coexist, like two atoms that never touch. It’s BIZZARE. I bet Dr. Resi knows a term for it but I don’t know how else to describe it. It makes me feel a little dissociative though. When I went to write yesterday, I couldn’t tell my story, because it felt… far away, if that makes any sense. It doesn’t make sense so I’m going to hush about that for now.

Yesterday was an ok day. The longer my daughter is on this early riser schedule, the better her moods have gotten. We have made it through three days now without complete meltdowns. It helps me be happy for her to be in a good mood. I didn’t go to the gym yesterday because I have felt so rushed lately that I wanted a slow-paced day. We played and did crafts and housework together and just had a peaceful day. It was definitely what I needed. I felt reinvigorated this morning, even if my brain is still overloaded.

Today, I went out as I usually do, then came home to get my kiddo and take her with me to the gym. My plan was to take her to Child Watch while I worked out, but she begged to go swimming with me. I’m so glad I thought to call my Nan on the way and ask her to come along because, without her help, there is no way I could have gotten myself and my daughter out of that pool, showered and dressed without disaster. I sat as I showered, and Nan got Bryn dressed and thought, “It would be at this very moment that my daughter fled the room, and my naked butt would have to run after her through this gym.” Thank you for helping me, Nan. We had a blast in the pool, and I was able to do my workout.

Bryn would not stay still for a picture today so this was the best one I could get of us both in our new swimsuits, hers a size bigger and mine a size smaller! And of course, we had to have rainbows! I finally got a two piece in the correct size (though I could size down the shorts if I wanted to, but I like the high rise), ha. It’s bittersweet though because my boobs used to, you know, sit nicely in a swim top but they’re so deflated that I literally have to fold them like an omelet now. Those, my flabby deflated knee skin and my apron are serious self-image struggles for me, but I continue to appreciate this body even through its changes. I put it through hell for so long that I can put up with these tantrum spots for a while longer.

My mind may be a cluttered space right now, but my commitment to myself is unwavering. I am a warrior, a lioness, a mama bear, and I don’t forget it, even in the storm. Nothing will slow me, nor stop me. Warriors don’t quit.

Even if asparagus is gross.