Forced Post

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This is forced. But it's also honest. I feel like if I don't post today, it could be a very, very long time before I do. My mind is in that spot, where it could tip over either way, to the side of success or the side of resetting. I'm forcing myself to post because I don't want to allow myself to stop posting.
This weekend was rough. And I guess to understand a little better why, I'll just spill the beans. It probably didn't make much sense that my excuse for feeling like I didn't want to post was just because of the lingering sickness. I've been sick for a month now so why would one more fever have broken my will? Because I was literally about to leave for Raleigh when the fever came back. I had taken two covid tests Friday morning to ensure I was good to go, and we were minutes from heading out the door. I had booked my airbnb last week and wanted to show up in surprise. Gas in the car, bags packed, beautiful little cottage in Apex waiting, and then my fever returned. I had to make a very difficult decision to stay home rather than risk exposing any of you to a virus/flu. I cried most of Friday, not like the sobbing sadness kind, but the anger and resentfulness (toward the universe) kind. I let it wreck my will. And I really could have used it this weekend when we ended up having to take our dog to the ER, again.
Long story short for the rest of my weekend, I abandoned the plan. Well, mostly. I won't minimize the successes I did have in resisting the draw of running back to what I once found comfortable, back to eating feelings away, back to immobility. I didn't completely jump off the wagon, but I slipped, and it ran over my legs, for sure. I can't regret, just refocus. I am still sick, but hopefully the antibiotics will work for this sinus and ear infection I have now (which if it's viral, will just have to run its course). That fear of going out in the public has reared its head again. I fear getting sick again. I haven't left the house since Friday. I can't let myself be like this again. If I get sick and can't travel, I'll lose the Disney trip. It is all completely non-refundable. I haven't really been able to look forward to it properly since everything that happened with our dog because I wish I could have just called it off, but that's not possible, so I have to find my joy for it so we can enjoy this trip that I worked so hard to provide for my family.
Jeez. Anyway. I could just not post rather than let my feelings flow, but that would have been another chip hedged for the old me, and I already gave her too much over the weekend. I want to be here and choosing to do it today was probably the most important moment of determination in my entire journey so far. This. Is. Me. My new identity. I won't let myself take that from me

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