Heavy Talk

A little heavy talk today, but my headspace isn’t where it needs to be for me to give a pep talk, so just going to journal a bit. 

The last two days brought some interesting things to light about how I’m changing. I’ll start with the physical things. I’m still in shock about my blood sugar being back to normal without insulin. From everything I was ever given to read or study, diabetes doesn’t just reverse itself as quickly as mine has. Every time I take my blood sugar, I feel like it’s too good to be true, like it must be a fluke or some symptom of something new being wrong with me because I’ve been told it’s just impossible. And oddly enough, I obsess over my blood sugar now more often than I did before. Presumably just because I can’t believe it. I’ll get my a1c numbers tomorrow and I hope if they’re normal again, it’ll help cement this for me. 

There’s also been my parosmia beginning to fade. While recovering from Covid, I noticed some smells and tastes returning. I didn’t say anything because I knew I’d jinx myself if I did. But it is still steadily improving. I’ve been able to taste several things properly again after more than 6 months of it being completely distorted. I’m glad, but also sad because I’m now developing serious aversions to foods I had adjusted to that now taste different. Black coffee has become so unpleasant that I finally decided I’m not forcing myself to keep drinking it. Eggs are beginning to taste normal and yet my brain now thinks that’s not right and doesn’t want them anymore. There’s a lot of adjustment happening with my routine now because of it and if you know me, you’ll know how much I dislike having my routine disrupted. 

More important of the changes happening right now are mental though. My health anxiety is through the roof currently. I spend so much of my time trying to counter the anxiety that it’s leaving less and less room for enjoyment. Despite getting healthier every day, I worry more about my health now than I ever have before. Part of that is because pain of any kind is a massive trigger for me and no one ever told me how painful it is to lose weight. Nerves being shifted around, skin hanging and straining muscles and bones, muscles aching, joints aching back to life, skin sensitivity returning, etc. Add those to the chest pain I’ve been dealing with for 2 months, headaches, and these mystery rashes I’ve been having, I’m just constantly freaked out. I intend to try to get into therapy when we return from Florida. I need to get a grip on it. It isn’t stopping me from fighting for myself, it’s just making it hard to enjoy the life I’m fighting for. 

Anyway, nothing much else to mention on this rainy rest day other than to just journal it out. Looking forward to swimming in the morning and getting my annual physical done after. Also looking forward to salad week. ♥️ Be well. Picture is just a little NSV moment for me. While trying to (and failing 😂) to document the rash, I had to give myself a pat on the back while looking at my neck. I didn’t have one for so long that it still fascinates me to see it!