Unexpected Feels

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My finger has hovered over the keyboard for so long. I don’t want to disappear, but I do. Life doesn’t appreciate my optimism, and I’m fighting to keep my joy, my drive, my gratitude. My family is facing many extremely challenging circumstances right now. Covid made me a pariah—I want to be there for my family; I want to help and support but no one will allow me to. That is harder for me than even the circumstances we are facing. I spent years being physically unable and mentally unavailable to help anyone. I was not prepared for the emotional pain that being capable but undesired would bring. This first paragraph is mostly rambling but an attempt to explain why I dropped off the face of the planet yesterday. I wanted to disappear.
I had made a decision yesterday to withdraw. To privatize my journey, wallow in my heartbreak and shut myself off from social media while everything unfolds and absorbs. Maybe that would be the right decision, who knows. What I do know is that doing that would have been the decision to be who I was and not to be who I want to be. I took the day to cry, to feel rejection and desperation, to grieve and regret. Trying to ignore all of those things wouldn’t have accomplished anything.
I woke up this morning and decided to be who I want to be, not who I was and was tempted to be. Every choice we make is a chip we add to one side or the other. Yesterday, I was stacking my chips on the side of someone I never want to be again. Today, I have committed to stacking my chips on the side of the person I want to be, the one I am becoming. I want to be the person who shows up here every day, the person who shows up for herself every day no matter the circumstances. So, I’m here.
Make your choices stack the odds in your favor, in the direction you want for your future. Each choice we make is a victory for either the best or the worst version of ourselves—put your chips on the right side.
Mental fitness done. Cardio and circuit when I get home. Be strong and be well.



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